


Dissociation and Deep Discussion

by havenshereagain



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Burning, Cutting, Davenzi, Depression, Dissociation, Hitting, M/M, Other, Slight Canon Divergence, trigger warning: self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-03-26 10:26:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19003900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/havenshereagain/pseuds/havenshereagain
Summary: After getting David's last text, Matteo can't feel anything. He spends the next few days trying to get his emotions back, before talking everything out with Jonas.Or: Matteo dissociates to cope, and turns to self harm (hitting, burning and cutting) to bring himself back. Jonas is worried. (But there's a mostly happy ending).





	Dissociation and Deep Discussion

**Author's Note:**

> This is based loosely on my own experiences with depression and dissociation, although I've never burned or cut myself. If you're triggered by descriptions of dissociation or self harm, please take extreme caution reading this, or just don't read it at all.

Matteo walks into his room, distantly hearing the door shut but not fully comprehending it. He feels like he's floating as he makes his way to his bed and lays face down. After he smashed his phone, everything became a blur. For right now though, everything is too far away to think about that. 

In the back of his mind, he thinks he should turn over, or get undressed, but his limbs feel so heavy, and so he just stays there, legs hanging over the end of his bed, shoes still on. Eventually, he manages to toe his shoes off and slide himself up, so only his feet are hanging off. He's still face down, but he manages to fall asleep for a bit, or at least he thinks he does because next thing he knows, sunlight is streaming in his window. His hand starts to reach for his phone, before remembering he smashed it last night in a fit of anger. That also explains the heaviness he still feels.

Sometimes sleep helps him out of it. Other times, he just has to try to wait it out. He rolls over, and pushes himself so he's sitting, eyes still glassy. Although he still feels disconnected, he tries to remind himself that this is his room, this is his body, and although he can't feel anything right now, he will eventually. He isn't sure whether or not that's a good thing. Slowly, he starts to bang on his thigh, hoping that will bring back sensation. He's distantly aware of it, but mostly because he can see himself doing it. He closes his eyes, hitting himself harder, hoping that will help. It doesn't seem to. 

He knows hitting himself is bad, knows his friends will questions the bruises should any of them see, but can't bring himself to care. All he wants is to feel something, to be back in his own body. When the repeated hitting doesn’t work, he stops, and lets his head fall back against the wall. Hitting himself with that much force took a lot of energy he didn't have, and knew he wouldn't be able to replace. He thinks about getting high, but knows that that won't help anything. In the past whenever he got like this and tried to smoke, it only made it worse, which isn't what he's looking for. He rests, hoping that maybe he'll fall asleep, or this will pass, or he'll at least be able to get out of his goddamn bed, but instead he's just trapped there. Aware of his thoughts, aware of his body, but too far removed to actually be able to give a shit. 

Matteo slides back down in bed, simultaneously turning on his side, away from the window. Maybe like this it'll be easier for him to sleep. He lays in silence, unsure of the amount of time that passes. The light begins to fade, and he realizes he's wasted the whole day like this. In the back of his mind, he criticizes himself for it, knowing that just laying in bed won't get him anywhere with David, or anything else, but not able to do anything else. He forces himself to sit up, and put his feet on the floor, to actually stand up, and shuffles over to the chair in the corner, sitting there. The drawing from David is there, and just looking at it makes him want to cry, or it should make him want to cry, but he still just feels empty.

He grabs his lighter off the table, and plays with it, clicking it on and releasing it, over and over. Something about the flame it makes is just so soothing, and at some point he reaches out with his other hand, putting his palm over the flame. He watches it turn red, finally feeling a bit of something, a bit of stinging on his hand, and pushes the lighter closer, not thinking of the blister it'll cause, or the questions people will ask. All he cares about is that he's starting to feel things again, and that almost makes him happy. That only lasts a second before David pops back into his head, and Matteo drops his hands back to his sides, lighter clattering to the floor. 

In the distance he hears someone knock, call out his name, but he's unable to respond. After a few moments the knocking stops, and he assumes that whoever it was has gone back to their own room. He brings his hand up to his face, examining the redness on his palm. It almost looks like a callus, but it's far too red for that, and he gently pokes it. He's aware of the pain, but it's not like it was before. It's gotten more distant again, less intense. At this point, he's just so frustrated with himself for not being able to do anything, and pushes a bunch of papers off of his dresser. A crashing sound draws his attention to the ground, where he realizes he's smashed a framed photo of him, Jonas, and Hanna. 

He sighs, leaning down to pick up the pieces of broken glass so he doesn't step on them later. As he's picking them up, he feels a prick in his palm, the one he burned earlier, and realizes he's cut himself on the glass. He mumbles a quick "shit," before dumping the glass onto his table, hoping not to create too much of a mess of blood. But he pauses, realizing that he felt something. Matteo knows logically that cutting himself is bad, but he can't help it. He picks up one of the bigger shards of glass, careful not to cut the fingers on his right hand, and presses it into his palm, below the forming blister, and winces as he realizes he can feel it. Finally, he's able to feel something again, and he pushes his sleeve up, moving the glass to his forearm before pressing harder. 

It occurs to him that there's blood on the floor, but he's too caught up in the feeling to care. He lifts his hand, looking at the cut he made. Only once he fully sees the cut does it really occur to him what he's just done, and it's like his feelings rush back all at once, overwhelming him, and he starts to quietly sob, dropping the piece of glass. There's blood on the floor, and his hands are covered in it. He tries to slow his crying, listening to see if any of his roommates are awake. Only silence answers, and he realizes it's safe to head to the bathroom and clean himself up. Quietly, he makes his way down the hall, holding his breath. Once he's in the bathroom, he locks the door, and leans his back against it. He's so tired, and starting to wish he hadn't brought back his emotions, but he knows he needs to face them eventually. Slowly, he shuffles over to the sink, opening up the cabinet above it and grabbing some bandages. He washes the cut on his arm first, then his hands, before patting them dry with a bit of toilet paper, and covering the cut with the largest bandage he can find, then wrapping his hand in a bit of gauze that he thinks Hans had bought for some reason. 

Matteo looks at himself in the mirror, unsure of what time it is, or even what day, and thinks about how angry he is at himself for wasting so much time. He pulls his sleeve down over the bandage, tries pulling it over his hand a bit in case anyone has come out of their rooms, and makes his way back down the hall. Everything is quiet, and he realizes he should clean up the blood now, before it dries. There are tissues in his room, so he just uses those, dabbing up the blood on the floor, and his table. He finishes cleaning up the broken glass, this time using tissues so he doesn't cut himself again, before flopping back onto his bed. Tears well back up in his eyes as he thinks back on everything that's happened the past day and a half, or at least that's how much time he thinks has passed.

He sits back up, deciding he doesn't want to sit in silence anymore, and grabs his laptop off his desk. The time is 3:36 a.m., so he also grabs his headphones so as not to disturb his roommates, and starts to play Hozier, allowing himself to finally think of everything with David, trying to find where he went wrong. Nothing he can think of that's he's done seems like a reason that David would suddenly stop liking him, especially with how well things had been going, but he knows he must've done something. Eventually, he falls asleep, and the next thing he knows someone is knocking on his door. His music has stopped, and a quick glance tells him his laptop died at some point while he slept. He pulls his headphones off, listening again for whoever is knocking. 

It's Hans, but Matteo can't face him right now, not after their last conversation, and everything that's happened since. He stays quiet, waiting for the sound of Hans's footsteps retreating, which they eventually do. Voices come from the living room, and he knows his friends are talking about him, but he can't bring himself to care. Instead, his mind just goes back to David, still replaying every moment in his head, searching for where everything went wrong, but he's still drawing a blank. Finally, he truly lets himself cry, something he hasn't done in a long time. He keeps himself quiet, hoping not to draw the attention of whoever is in the apartment, but he still shakes as he finally allows himself to release everything that's built up over the past couple months. 

His phone dings with a message he knows he can't read, and he just hopes it's not one of his roommates trying to see what's wrong. A few minutes later there's the sound of the buzzer, someone asking to be let up, and soon enough a knock at the apartment's front door. He hears Jonas's muffled voice, and a reply from Hans. Footsteps come down the hall, and he braces himself for the knocks and calls he knows will happen, and just hopes that Jonas will get the hint that he wants to be alone right now. 

That doesn't happen. "Ayo, Luigi," Jonas calls out, "I'm coming in, you better not be naked." Matteo quickly wipes his eyes, pushing himself back on his bed, away from the view of the door. Jonas knows he's there, he can't avoid him, so he just tries to make himself seem as normal as possible. 

"Hey, what're you doing here? I didn't think we were hanging out today," it comes out easily, but he knows it's a lie. How can he be so sure they didn't have plans when he isn't sure what day it is? He closes his laptop, pushing it to the side as Jonas sits down on the edge of his bed. 

"We didn't," is the response he gets, "but you weren't responding to anyone's texts, and I know things have been rough with your mom lately, and your break up with Sara," at that, Matteo winces, remembering how much of an asshole he was to her. "So I thought I'd come check on you, which seems like the right idea since Hans told me you haven't left your room in like three days." Of course Hans would realize that. Hopefully he just thinks Matteo is avoiding him after their last conversation, out of sheer embarrassment and shame. 

"Uh, yeah," he manages to say. "Studying for abis, y'know?" It doesn't sound too convincing to him, but he hopes Jonas won't see through his lies. "And I dropped my phone the other day, haven't been able to get it fixed yet. Sorry for not letting you know, but you can go now if you have other plans." He doesn't want it to sound like he's pushing Jonas away, but he also really doesn't want to explain everything to him right now, or come out, because he's terrified of Jonas's reaction. If his best friend doesn't accept him, who will?

"Nah man," Jonas replies, placing a hand on Matteo's shoulder, "I don't have any other plans. Figured I'd hang out with you for a little while, maybe order some pizza or something." Hans must've told him that Matteo hadn't eaten in days, otherwise Jonas probably wouldn't have mentioned getting food in the middle of the afternoon. There's no real way for him to avoid it, especially as his stomach grumbles loudly. 

He forces a smile onto his face before replying, "sure, I haven't eaten all day," and hoping Jonas thinks that means he ate yesterday. Jonas lightly pushes his shoulder, encouraging him to move over, before scooting next to Matteo on the bed. They quickly decide what they want, and Jonas places the order. Silence envelops them, and Matteo isn't sure what to do. He knows Jonas can tell something's wrong, but doesn't want to be the one to bring it up. Eventually, Jonas sighs, turning towards him.

"You know you can talk to me, right dude?" Not quite what Matteo was expecting, but better than the alternative in his mind. "Me and the boys, we have your back. Now come on, tell me what's up." With that, he pushes lightly on Matteo's shoulder, trying to make the conversation more playful. Not wanting to make things awkward, especially as they're sitting on his bed together, Matteo decides to lie again. 

"Just stressed about exams and everything," he says. In the past twenty minutes he thinks he's lied more to his best friend than in the 12 years they'd been friends. "That's why I broke up with Sara. I didn't think it was fair to drag her through everything with my mom, and everything else." He doesn't want to expand on the 'everything else,' knowing that would include the truth about his sexuality, and about David. 

Jonas sighs again. "I'm sure Sara would help you through everything, you know?" He asks. Matteo isn't so sure about that. "But even if not, I can help you through that, and you could still be with her." At that Matteo flinches slightly, knowing that being with Sara was definitely not something he wanted. "If that's what you want, at least. If not, we could always find you a new girlfriend." This time he manages not to show a reaction to the 'girlfriend' bit, or at least he doesn't think he does. 

"No, I think I just need some time by myself right now," he explains. "Dating just makes everything so much more complicated, and I don't want to deal with that along with everything else right now." It doesn't convince Matteo, but he just hopes it's enough for Jonas. He knows he'd love to be in a relationship right now, but he also knows that he's fucked up the one chance he thought he had. 

"Hey I mean, I get it," Jonas responds, "girls can be total shit. But having someone for that support, and the affection, that can be really good for you bro." Matteo already knows how great affection is, he had his share of it a few days ago, but that's lost to him now, and he needs to think up some lies, fast, but his mind is blank. He turns, looking out the window to avoid Jonas's stare, trying to come up with something. Instead, he settles on a half truth. 

"Girls are just so complicated," he sighs. "I don't have the energy to deal with all that right now." His eyes shift back to Jonas, and his best friend is just staring at him. It's then that Matteo knows he isn't falling for any of the lies. They sigh at the same, and Matteo turns towards the window again, thinking of what he can share with Jonas, what he feels comfortable sharing. 

"Look Matteo," Jonas starts, "you don't have to talk to me if you don't want to, but I know when you're bullshitting me. If you don't want to talk about it, cool, we'll just do something else. You don't have to lie to me." And with that, Matteo immediately feels guilty. He knows Jonas is his best friend, and will listen no matter what, but that doesn't stop the knots that form in the pit of his stomach when he thinks about explaining everything, but he knows he needs to say something. His left hand comes up to brush hair out of his face, and Jonas notices the gauze wrapped around it. "What happened man?"

Matteo's face goes red, and he quickly blurts out "I burnt myself making food a few days ago. It's not a big deal." The last thing he wants is to have to explain to Jonas the meltdown he had last night, so he quickly changes the subject. "I'm sorry about lying it's just.. I've been trying to figure some stuff out, alright?" He pauses, taking a deep breath. "I think I've known for a while, I just couldn't actually deal with it and then things started picking up and I kept trying to push it away, but it wasn't working-"

"Hey," Jonas interrupts, placing a comforting hand on Matteo's shoulder. "What're you talking about? What wasn't working?" Matteo's breathing is heavy, and he knows if he doesn't just get it over with, he may never actually come out.

"I'm gay." There's a pause, and he sneaks a glance at Jonas, whose face is blank. "I think I've known for a while, but I couldn't be, you know? So I tried dating Sara, but everything with her just felt so wrong, and when I thought about-" he breaks as he realizes he's about to mention David "-about being with a guy things just seemed right, but I didn't know how to handle that, so I just didn't, until things blew up in my face a few days ago and now I can't avoid it but the thought of telling anyone was too much for me to handle so I decided not to, and that's why I've been in my room for the past," he thinks, trying to remember how much time passed, but he isn't sure, "however many days."

The air is heavy as Matteo stops talking, waiting for some kind of reply from Jonas. Tears well up in his eyes as he thinks Jonas may just get up and leave, but he hears him clear his throat instead. "Okay." His expression is still mostly blank, seemingly still processing everything Matteo had just said, because there was so much information. "Okay. Have you told anyone else about this?" Matteo shakes his head, then pauses.

"I uh," his voice cracks and he starts again. "I talked a bit with Hans, but I messed everything up with him, so I've been avoiding talking to him." Jonas thinks about that for a moment.

"Is Hans the reason for all of this?" he asks quietly. Matteo shakes his head, eyes widening as he realizes how his phrasing made it sound, and he rushes to correct himself. 

"No," he almost shouts, "no, no no no." At this point, it would just be easier to tell Jonas the full truth. "Do you uh- you know the new kid? David?" Jonas stares off into space for a moment before nodding his head. "It's um- it's about him, I guess." He sighs, gathering his thoughts. "We were hanging out a lot, and things just felt so, so good with him, like he really knew me. I broke up with Sara for him, but then I-I must've fucked it up because he told me that he didn't want to see me anymore, that we were moving too fast, and to leave him alone." The tears in his eyes start to spill over, and he quickly rubs his sleeve against his face, trying to wipe them away. 

"So I came home, and I just felt so empty, you know? I couldn't feel anything and I wasted so much time just laying in my goddamn bed waiting to feel something and I just couldn't." He pauses, taking another deep breath as a prepares to tell Jonas the truth about the gauze. "At some point I just - I picked up my lighter and just held my hand over the flame, and when that didn't work I pushed things and broke a picture frame. When I broke that picture I uh- I accidentally cut myself cleaning up the glass, but I realized I felt it. And for some reason my dumb ass decided to grab a shard of glass and dig it into my hand and my arm." Jonas looks shocked, opens his mouth but Matteo cuts him off. "It's the first time I've done anything this serious, and as soon as I realized what I was doing, I stopped. In the moment though, it just felt good to finally be back."

Matteo finally falls silent, and Jonas takes a moment. "Let me see," he says, holding out his hand. It takes a moment for Matteo to realize what he's talking about, but he reaches out his left hand, starting to unwrap the gauze with his right. When he reaches the last layer he winces, as the raw skin from his blister catches the fibers in the gauze. Maybe gauze wasn't the best idea. Jonas gently grabs his hand, looking at the blister, then the cut, and then looking up at Matteo. "And your arm?" Matteo sighs, pushing up his sleeve to expose the bandage there. He grabs the edge and carefully peels it back, hoping the open wound hasn't gotten stuck to the bandage. By some luck, he manages to remove the bandage with little resistance, and he gets his first real look at the cut, now that it's fully stopped bleeding. 

A jagged line runs across his forearm, closer to his elbow than his hand. It spans almost his whole forearm, and the area around it is red. The cut itself is the dark red of a scab, which means he's starting to heal, thankfully. Jonas lets out a sigh. "Does anyone else know about this?" Matteo shakes his head, retracting his arm and pulling his sleeve back down. 

"You're the first person I've seen since," he pauses, taking a shaky breath, "since everything happened." He looks up at Jonas again, whose face has gone soft with some emotion Matteo can't quite place. They sit in silence for a minute, Matteo not sure what else to say. After a few minutes (that feel like hours to him) he breaks the silence. "You uh- you can leave if you want. If this," he gestures towards himself, "is all too much for you."

Jonas stares at him for a second before saying, "why would I do that? I'm just trying to get things sorted out in my head, figure out what to do next." He lets out a breath that could almost be a laugh, if Matteo weren't mistaken. "Come on man, you're my best friend, you can't get rid of me that easy." At that, he lightly pushes Matteo's shoulder again. "Should I call someone? A doctor or something?" Matteo's eyes widen as he shakes his head.

"No, please don't do that," he blurts out. "I don't want to end up like my mom." He sucks in a deep breath, not wanting to continue, but knowing Jonas will understand. Jonas was with him through the hospitalizations, the medications, and therapists, and the last thing Matteo wanted was to have to go through it all again, but this time from the other side, and worse, he didn't want to drag Jonas through all of that again. There's a pause before Jonas nods, seemingly understanding where Matteo is coming from. 

"Luigi," he says, and Matteo takes the use of the nickname as a good sign, "I get that, but I really think you should talk to someone about this." Matteo opens his mouth to respond, but Jonas cuts him off. "and I mean like, a professional, not just talking it out with me in your room after going AWOL for three days." There's a moment of silence before Matteo nods, accepting that he does need help.

"We'll call someone, alright?" he says. "For now though, can we just drop it?" He rubs a hand over his face, tired from the anxiety of this conversation. Jonas nods, then pauses for a minute, trying to think of something else to bring up.

"So," he drawls out, "why don't you tell me a bit about David?" Matteo's heart swells at the name, thinking back to the time they'd spent together. In his head, he can still see that beautiful smile, hear him laughing as he calls out "I won." He smiles at the memory, blocking out everything falling apart.

"When we were together things just felt so," he pauses, searching for the right words, "so perfect and beautiful. He seemed to know what I was thinking all the time, and," he breathes in heavily, "god, when he kisses me, it's like nothing else matters. Like it's only the two of us left in the world." He sighs again, thinking back to that first kiss in the pool. It feels so long ago, but it had only been like a week and a half since then. The smile drops from his face as the memories of a few days ago surface again. "Then I must've done something wrong, because he said he wanted me to leave him alone. I don't know what it was, but I fucked everything up, and just like that he was gone. I haven't heard from him since, but I guess that doesn't mean much since I smashed my phone right after I got the text from him." Jonas sighs, putting a comforting hand on Matteo's knee.

"It sounds like this guy means a lot to you," he states. Matteo nods, knowing that David was the first person he felt truly free to be himself around. "Do you want me to kick his ass?" That was definitely not what he'd expected Jonas to say, and he shoots him an incredulous look, shaking his head.

"No man," Matteo sighs. "Don't go all overprotective best friend on me. David may not be talking to me right now, but I still only want the best for him." He pauses. "And I guess that isn't me." At that, Jonas shoves his knee, making Matteo look up at him again. He isn't sure when he stopped looking at him. 

"Any guy would be lucky to have you," Jonas scoffs. "If I was into dudes, you'd be the first one I'd want to date." At that, Matteo blushes and looks away, remembering the crush he had on Jonas a few months ago. He hopes Jonas doesn't catch onto it. "Wait-" and he's fucked, "no way!" Matteo shushes him, bringing a finger to his lips. They both know Hans is in the apartment, and Matteo does not want him to hear this part of the conversation. 

"Quiet down!" he whispers. "I don't want Hans listening in on this, alright?" Jonas nods, and Matteo continues. "Okay, so I may or may not have had a tiny crush on you before, and then when David showed up any romantic feelings I had for you just," he makes a sort of explosion effect with his hands, "vanished. So nothing to worry about, alright?" Then Jonas laughs, and Matteo looks at him in shock. He definitely didn't think his best friend, who he had shared a bed with while crushing on him, would laugh at finding that out.

"Oh man," Jonas sighs, laughing coming to a stop. "I can't believe I never noticed." He lets out a few chuckles, and Matteo can almost see the gears spinning in his head, trying to find some moment, some hint that Matteo liked him. "I mean, you never acted like it, you were always just so normal about everything. But really? I have no clue what you saw in me dude, but now I'm seriously questioning your taste in men." Matteo's mouth falls open, and he shoves Jonas's shoulder with his good hand.

"You asshole," he says. "Of course you never noticed! I was still trying to figure everything out in my head, and the last thing I wanted was for you or anyone else to realize something was up." He's gotten a little more serious than he intended to, but he thinks Jonas deserves to know the truth. "So yeah, I liked you for a little while, but it's whatever now, those feelings are long gone. Nothing for you to worry about."

Jonas scoffs, then says "worry about? No way, I'm not worried about it, I just find it hilarious. Like, you actually liked me?" He laughs again, which makes Matteo feel better, and he nods, smiling back at his best friend. "Bro, you must have the worst taste in men then." At that, Matteo actually lets out a laugh, a real laugh, for the first time in days. Jonas goes slightly serious before adding, "so, is everything alright for now?"

Matteo takes a minute to think over that question, wanting to give Jonas the truth after such a hard conversation. Finally he nods, smiling. "Yeah. Yeah, everything's good right now." And in that moment, he truly feels okay again.


End file.
